Still The Best
by JohnXGalt
Summary: Not content to only tell the story of his SAO exploits, our brave hero details his adventures in ALO, where he cemented his status as the best player. There will be blood, death, and his trademark skill makes a very explosive comeback...
1. Chapter 1

Rated M for language, shit (literally), sex (will get pretty explicit), and overall badness.

* * *

"That's right, bitches. I'm back."

 _Groans come from throughout the room._

"Oh, shut the fuck up. I have another story to tell you, the story of my adventures in ALO. That fairy piece of shit."

" _Seriously, this guy again? He just gets drunk and rambles about shitting on people…"_

"Maybe I'll come over there and shit on you also, you little fuck! Now shut up and get ready to listen."

* * *

Be ready. He's still the best.


	2. Chapter 2

"So yeah, I heard that there was this game coming out where you had to climb some tree and become an angel…..er, 'fairy of light.' Of course, this was happening during the whole 'SAO is killing people oh mah gerd" bullshit. But we all know I'd just shit all over anyone who tried to actually kill me."

"But, we know I'm too fucking baller to play by anyone else's rules, so I took the nervegear and modified it, making my own system. I called it….."

" _Do we even want to know?!"_

"Shitgear! Optimized for shitting on people and kicking ass."

 _A collective groan emanates from the room, with a small mention of "We should have known."_

"So, I log in, right? And it goes to the character creation screen. And that's when I hear it…"

" _Welcome to ALO. Please select a character race."_

"That hot chick voice. So, I can't choose the angel race, but I think of an even better plan….."

" _Shit on the character creation system?"_

"No…..seduce it. So I work my magic, using my awesome words to convince the character creation system to let me be an Alf, whatever the fuck those are."

"… _Bullshit."_

"The only shit is going to be on you if you quit interrupting! Anyways, I get to be a light fairy, and then I get the character creation voice's phone number. Hell if I'm gonna call her, though. She ain't real."

"So, I spawn, and I'm in the middle of some shitty tree. So I fucking fly away, and that's when I see them…..Some green haired fairy assholes. Way off in the distance. Showtime."


	3. Chapter 3

"So, I drop down in the middle of a bunch of green haired fucks, and they're fighting some cat people fucks. I swear, this shit is a furry's wet dream. But the cat people were pretty fucking hot. Double pussy, right?."

"… _..What?"_

"So, I start swinging my sword at the green fucks. Did I mention my sword?"

"… _.No."_

"….Shitbringer, the most powerful sword in the game. It cuts through armor, weapons, and souls."

" _Lie…."_

"Shut the fuck up, you little bitch! Anyways, once I finish killing the green fucks, I shit on their stupid flames. And they make a sizzle sound as the shit steams on their flames and puts them out. Perfect. Listen to that shit, bitches!"

"And then, once I shit on each and every flame, I walk up to the leader of the cat people, look her in the eyes, and kiss her. Yeah, she was totally into me. We got it on right there, in some crazy cat-people-angel-orgy. Virtual cat-people-panties were dropping everywhere. Pretty sure I felt something in my ass, but I don't give a fuck. Shit felt great."

" _So…..you're….g-"_

"SHUT THE FUCK UP A GUY CAN ENJOY SOMETHING UP HIS ASS IF HE WANTS TO!"

 _Chirp, chirp, chirp._

"And it turns out, I killed the green-fucks leader, giving me the right to tax their lands. So I taxed them. I walked through the streets of their capital, demanding pussy and panties. And oh, I got it. So much green pussy."

" _What about the Cait-siths?"_

"Oh, I killed their leader also, and imposed a 'cat-person-pussy-tax' on them. Had a giant ass orgy at the end of it. So much green and cat pussy."

" _I take it you shit on their leaders."_

"YOU'RE FUCKING RIGHT I DID! And then I noticed something strange…"


	4. Chapter 4

"So, I noticed all of these red haired motherfuckers flying around the border of my newfound territory.."

" _Your territory?"_

"DAMN FUCKING RIGHT! I made myself their leader, and I would guide them to excellence. So, there was probably like 50 of these red motherfuckers, all hovering all ominously right outside of my border."

"So, I fly on up there, wielding the sword that I fucking willed to appear out of nowhere. A glorious blade, that I named 'Fuckoffnoobs.' All would bow before it."

" _What happened to Shitbringer?"_

 _The sound of a sword breaking bones, pushing through flesh, and then a loud scream._

"Shitbringer just kicked your fucking ass!"

" _Holy shit….."_

"So, I take Fuckoffnoobs up, and cleave it in a wide arc. The 5 nearest redfuckers die instantly, their return flames killing themselves so they don't have to witness the death of their comrades."

"Then they mob me. The whole group. But Fuckoffnoobs is a very powerful sword. I swing again, and the force of the swing shatters the entire system, killing everyone except me within a sphere of 10km radius from my location. Rumor has it, they quit the game forever after that."

" _If I had to deal with you, I'd quit also."_

"Damn right you would, I'm that fucking awesome. So I get bored, and decide to do the unthinkable…"

" _Shit on everyone again?"_

"No. Seduce the CARDINAL system running ALO."


	5. To Seduce a Cardinal

"I know seducing a computer wouldn't be easy, but someone had to try."

"No sooner than the thought popped into my head, CARDINAL formed itself into a physical virtual form. The most attractive woman you'd ever seen. And we banged."

" _That was anticlimactic…."_

"FUCK OFF! I do what I want. A true gentleman never fucks and gives detailed stories!"

"… _.."_

"Oh, and when we did it, the knowledge of everything about the game transferred to me. There was some creepy thing about slug scientists and mind control, but that wasn't my problem. BUTTTT for good measure, I went to the location of the people supposed to be working on it and shit on them. That was it."

"THE FUCKING END!"


End file.
